Christmas Day

On Christmas day this year, I did something that I will never forget for the rest of my life. This moment was so surreal and touched my heart in a way that is indescribable. The feeling of having an angel present is like none other. My head was light and my heart was warm this Christmas day and it was because I was in the comfort of an angel.

My Aunt Teri and I on Christmas day - Merry Christmas

 When I walked into the nursing home I was unsure what to expect of Teri's condition, I hadn't talked to her since she was in the hospital and nearing death. I was nervous, but, had this feeling of good spirits all around me. It was almost as if I were floating to her room. When I walked through the open door and she was gone, I didn't quite know what to think. There was a small group of elderly people outside of her room gathered around singing hymns and praising the lord, so I waited in the peace of their singing. 5 or 10 minutes went by and I was getting impatient so I asked a nurse where she might be. The nurse said I would be able to find her amidst the crowd of elderly people I was listening to earlier. I walked back to the crowd of elderly folks, sitting in wheelchairs with their backs facing me, and scanned each one of the back of their heads until I saw her.

I asked an elderly lady if I could push  her aside to get through to my Aunt Teri and she was more than happy to have me move her. As I approached Teri's shoulder the feeling of floating came back. I reached out for it and she turned to me with this great smile.  "Justin", she said in a tone that made my heart tingle, "what a nice surprise to see you." We looked at each other for a few seconds, smiling, and another song started to play so I gave her her Christmas card and asked her where they were. We sang the last two songs together before we went to her room and shared more stories about what we've missed out on since the last time we saw each other.

I'll never forget that moment and I'd like to thank God and our angels for giving Teri another Christmas to celebrate.

Home For The Holidays

Merry Christmas

I get to go home for the holidays this year, something that I've always been able to do since I left home in 2006.

I am so thankful this year, because if it weren't for my fathers generosity, I wouldn't have been able to make it. So thanks, Dad, I appreciate it.

A lot of people view Christmas differently. Some think of it as a religious holiday, while others look at it as a time of giving and gathering of family and friends. For me it is just that! Christmas is a time to celebrate love and passion for the ones you keep closest to your heart. It is a time to give thanks for all of the memories shared. A special holiday that only comes once a year, one that will bring a smile to everyone's face when they are thought of on this one special day.

My heart is with those who are without loved ones this Christmas. I hope that this holiday season still brings a smile upon your face. I hope that you're able to embrace the memories that have made the past so special and carry them forth, throughout this holiday season, to make it just as special. Our angels are watching over us every day and they continue to seek ways to bring us happiness.

I'm so excited to go home and spend this Christmas with my family. I want to be in so many places this Christmas, but, my heart is the only part of me that can truly be in more than one place at a time.

Merry Christmas

a good person

This weekend has brought some questions to my attention. It has been hard to come to terms with myself whether I am a good person or not. I've tried to console myself by thinking about the good things I've done for others, or, ways I've been involved with people that weren't beneficial for me. But, after going through that list I've realized that there are many things people (myself or others) do to show support for their communities, religions, friends, families, and strangers. Although I find comfort in what I've done to be a selfless person, an emptiness is hanging in my soul when I think about the ones I love.


How would you define a good person ?

I learned that my Aunt Teri is in an indescribable state of pain and suffering right now, a state that she has been enduring for years. She has been there for me ever since I took my first steps; always expressing her love in an unconditional manner. Over the past few years she has always made sure to contact me during the holidays, which is something I can't say I've always done in return. Whether it were by sending me a card, writing a letter, or making a phone call, she would always remember to express her love. My Aunt Teri is a good person. She never forgets about the ones she loves. She never complains about her bad fortune and always looks for the brightest picture in even the darkest of places. She has a heart that puts off more warmth than the sun and embraces her loved ones with that warmth. She is unconditional.

I spoke to her yesterday for the first time in months and my heart fell to pieces. I felt like I hadn't done enough to express my love for her. When I started to cry, she was comforting in her words and tried to make me understand that it was okay, that she'd be there always. She's always been this way and that's what I mean when I say her heart puts out more warmth than the sun. We talked about the holidays upcoming and how I couldn't make it home. I told her I was sorry and she took my breath away when she said, "it's okay, I'll blow you a kiss". It was at that moment that I realized I may not ever get another homemade card from my Aunt Teri :( She comforted me and ensured me she'll be here for me, but, I still felt horrible for the person I hadn't been.

Am I a good person?

It's been a hard question for me to think about, I know I have some things to work on....

My Grandma Kats was a good person

The Hardest Thing

I listened to this song today, maybe you know it, it's called "all at once" by the fray. It's not the first time I've heard this song or listened to the lyrics, but, it is the first time it was congruent with my life. I realized that the hardest decisions I've made in my life have affected it in a positive way. And "all at once" it came to me that - not letting go of this love, but, letting go of the strings attached to it - has been The Hardest Thing, but the right thing. It's songs like this that make life easier to cope with when you're out of words to light the way.

 I'll quote a friend and agree that "When words fail, music speaks <3"

Sometimes The Hardest Thing and The Right Thing, are the same.



I love life. Some days are harder than others, but, we make it through them just the same.

A piece that belongs in the clouds

In my last post, I talked about finding the right places to put the pieces to my puzzle of life. Tonight, I found a piece that I know exactly where it goes. This piece is called remembrance. It is only a memory, but, a constant reminder of how grateful we should be to have the loved ones that surround us.

Remember, even if the memory is physically gone, its strength carries on through your soul. When you're feeling down, Remember the memories that always made you smile and look for the signs of those memories in your every day life. Continue to cherish what you once loved as if it were still with you at this very moment, because it is and its power is very recognizable.

Memories hold the key to our hearts. They are a part of who we are, what we've accomplished, where we've been, and what we've endured. Bad or Good,
Happy or Sad.

Memories are like the wrinkles on our skin, the longer we live the more abundant they become. But, there is one big difference between memories and age; memories are eternal. They begin the day we are born, are with us the day we took our first steps, ate our first piece of cake, blew our first bubble, and said our first goodbye. Memories last our entire lives, but what I mean by eternal, is just that. Memories will be with us in our afterlives and they will give us the strength we need to guide our loved ones in the right direction. They will be with us, eternally.

This post is dedicated to the memories of Stephanie Marie Gilbert and
John William Goddard; Rest in Peace and continue to provide the strength your loved ones need to continue their lives. You're forever Angels in our hearts.

One piece at a time

This is my first blog, ever. I'm not sure if anyone is reading, but like so many others do, it helps to write out life's trials and tribulations. Writing makes the pieces in life much easier to put together.

And so here I am, looking at life in a pile of pieces trying to figure out what needs to be put where. I am a little confused because there are so many pieces, and, so many questions. There are uncertainties everywhere around me and it's frustrating because I have no answers. Every day brings a new question - a new piece in my life that has no place to be put. Today, and for the past few weeks, that piece is Love. I know I'm not alone with this one, I'm sure there are many people out there that are going through questions about love or trying to figure out how it works.

My curiosity is; how do you get this piece to fit?

Love is so dimensional. Its depth is never ending, but its flexibility is stiff. Just when you adapt to its elasticity, its breaking point changes and you fall straight through. This is where my piece gets thrown back into the pile.

What makes Love strong?

Love has found me twice, my mind and my heart tells me, and has left me without reason or rhyme. It makes no sense to me, and it hurts more than anything to be left with that emptiness. Even though I struggle to find solid ground I still know that I must move on, but, the question still remains...

There are so many pieces to put together and all I can do is set this one aside to move onto another piece....maybe one that's not so complicated.